Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Hulk vs. Pit Stains

I am almost positive that I was born with a certain amount of anger management issues. I take an active effort to control the part of my brain that wishes to bitch slap the majority of people that I come into contact with. As I have gotten older this task has gotten much easier. It is a rare occasion that others can see the better looking version of The Incredible Hulk that lurks beneath the surface of my smile. A few days ago my ability to control this beast completely failed me and I unleashed some serious misplaced anger on an unsuspecting contractor. My timing however ended up being impeccable as I turned the perfect shade of green for Saint Patrick’s Day.

I was at work and chatting up and incredibly handsome gentleman that had stopped by my office. A few minutes into my fake laugh and perceived interest into what he was saying one of my residents walked in and asked if he could interrupt me for a moment. My first thought was to tell him that he already had. Instead of my usual snarky comment, I went with something like “sure” and followed him outside to the parking garage so that he could show me how a large truck was blocking the exit gate.

A contractor had parked his truck just outside of the gate completely blocking it from both sides. Before I got close enough to see what he was doing I called out to the poorly dressed man standing next to said truck and did what I thought was the obvious thing given the situation. I told him he needed to move his truck because he was blocking our gate. This clearly did not go over well with Mr. Pit Stains. He began shouting and throwing his hands up in the air like a wild monkey. As I got closer to him it appeared that he had been working on a portion of the gate track. My boss was of course MIA at the time and had evidently failed to mention to me that she scheduled a contractor to repair the gate.

I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a pissing match between two grown men. My resident was yelling at the contractor to move his truck and the contractor was yelling back some sort of nonsense at the both of us. I considered for a moment just letting the two idiots fight it out and calling the rest of the staff to watch. I ended up going with the alternative. I used my “outside voice” to get the attention of the contractor and told him to calm down. This made Pit Stains very angry. In addition to speaking to me like I was a five year old he also managed to work in some expletives here and there. He was now screaming at me. After telling him at least 3 or 4 more times that he needed to calm down and stop yelling at me I realized that I was trying to reason with someone with the IQ of a potato. I gave up.

I ushered the resident past Pit Stains and directed him to an alternate gate that I had momentarily forgotten about during all of the commotion. The resident was able to finally exit the property. I waived him goodbye as I started to walk back to my office. I was approaching the back of Pit Stains bent over working on the gate. I attempted to just walk past him and go on about my day. I knew better than to try to reason with this clown. He however was clearly ready for round two of The Hulk vs. Pit Stains. He jumped up just as I was almost past him. He walked over to me and right into my personal space.

He apparently had overheard me apologize to the resident regarding his behavior and really the situation in general. He now wanted to know where his “EFFIN apology was”? That was it. That was the exact moment that I lost all control over my mouth. In a split second I turned into a ten foot tall bullet proof broad from somewhere along the Jersey Shore. More than a few of the vile phrases that came out of my mouth that day could only be found on I was spewing words at him so fast that I am pretty sure I made up at least one or two of them. I was screaming obscenities at him and shoving my finger in his face. I am sure I even used some moves I remembered seeing on the Jerry Springer show in the early 90’s. I pulled out all of the stops for Pit Stains….. He truly got some of my best work.

Who knows how long this spectacle went on for? I was certainly out of my mind at the time. Thankfully, the entire scene ended as quickly as it began. I threw out one more “Who the French do you think you are?” and abruptly turned and walked away. Pit Stains however serenaded me with his extensive four letter vocabulary until I reached the front doors of my office.

As I sat back down at my desk moments later I was not at all proud of myself. I had just declared war on a complete stranger. Not exactly one of my finer moments. Luckily my handsome stranger was still patiently waiting for me in my office. I went back to tossing my hair and giggling like a school girl in record time.


Post a Comment