Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's A Cold Day In Hell


I have come to realize that my boss may quite possibly be part polar bear. Besides the striking resemblance, she also likes to keep the thermostat at what can only be described as "below freezing". It has gotten so bad that one of my co workers has brilliantly decided to put a personal heater underneath her desk. The first time I saw it, I thought she was obviously bat shit crazy for having this contraption at her feet in the middle of July. I have since realized that she might be the smartest person in our office. Well... might being the operative word.

This morning I walked into our little icicle at the North Pole and decided that I was going to take one for the team and sneak attack that polar bear with my ninja like kung fu. When Mrs. Bear sat down at her computer with her morning cup of coffee I tip toed into the back room where all of the different thermostats are for the office. As the mission impossible theme song was playing in my head I brushed off the ice crystals that had formed around my thermostat and quickly turned up the air to a more reasonable temperature. I scurried back to my office and sat down to start what I thought was going to be a stellar day.

Within minutes the polar bear walked into the back room and just happened to notice that I had turned up my AC. She screamed at me. "MELISSA!!!... did you mess with the thermostat?" I thought to myself....what the hell? Does this lunatic have a camera in my office? How in the heck did she notice so fast? Do polar bears have heightened senses? Does her incredibly low body temperature allow her to see through walls? I was baffled.

I decided it was now or never. I scowled at her bearish figure and proclaimed that YES, I was the evil doer that had touched her precious thermostat. Wait strike that. I touched MY thermostat. I adjusted the one that controls the temp in MY office. I informed her that I had not even so much as looked at hers. In fact you could still see your breath when you walked into her iceberg.

I was of course told that I had no right to change the temperature in the office. She was "hot" and I was to leave the thermostat at whatever she sets it at. By the time she finished reading me excerpts from the North Pole Employee Handbook I had managed to grit my teeth so hard that I was afraid I was going to burst a blood vessel in my head. I then looked up at her to fight for myself and all of the other elves in my office. As I opened my mouth to certainly cuss her out I noticed she had a big red shiny can of coke in her hand.

I laughed so hard that I could not get out a single word.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Ashes to Ashes… And We All Fall Down

Somehow over the past few weeks my life has spun completely out of control. I have become this retarded drunk monkey of a dumb ass that I certainly do not recognize. I am not sure which way is up anymore. Any lurking sense of responsibility or self respect I may have had has completely left me.

I have been on this rollercoaster ride that I will admit at times has been incredibly fun, but at the end of the day (or the next morning) only leaves me feeling like Forrest Gump on a blind date with Condoleezza Rice.

The moral of this story is that I am officially a complete mess. I have got to do something to fix this. It’s almost as if I decided to drive strait to a little place I like to call “insanity” without passing go and without collecting my $200. Where in the French is my get out of jail free card?

Consider this my formal notice that I must get my crap together.