Saturday, February 28, 2009

A Little Warning Would Have Been Nice

I came across this today, it is a series of letters that a mother-in-law wrote to her new son just one week after marrying her daughter.After reading this little diddy, I suspect that I would have certainly benefited from such a letter from my previous mother in law. Would a little warning or a few pointers have killed her?

Dear Niall,
You are lovely. Welcome to the family.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
Ann is very mentally ill. She is under heavy medication for her dissociative personality disorder, commonly referred to as multiple personality disorder. She is unaware she suffers from this. She thinks the drugs she takes are vitamins. Please make sure she takes them every morning.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
Ann is not allergic to horses. We told her that because she kept bugging us for a pony when she was a kid. Please don't tell her we lied to her—she'd be crushed.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
We've never told Ann there is no Santa. Please play along and take her to Santa's Grotto at the mall to have her picture done, and I'll reimburse you for the photo.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
When Ann was 14 she didn't go to a summer camp. She went to a special camp for heavy children. She never noticed, and we never told her. Her feelings are very delicate. Please don't point out to her what the name "Camp Tubby" implies.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
Ann's childhood pet, Rocky, does not live on a ranch near Ocala. He choked to death on a chicken bone she fed to him at a family picnic. Please do not tell her the truth.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
The cards Ann receives at Christmas from her childhood friends are actually written by me and her Aunt Beatrice. She didn't have any friends, outside of her imaginary friends. We told her when she started seventh grade that they all moved to a large house just outside Ocala, and they've written her Christmas cards since then.
- - - -
Dear Niall,
I may be a woman of small stature who lives in a retirement community, but if you hurt my daughter, my entire bowling team will see that you suffer.
*************************************************

A friend of mine asked me what a letter from my mother-in-law might have looked like. Here is what I came up with...

Dear Melissa,
Welcome to the family, Andy's father will never acknowledge your presence.
- - - -
Dear Melissa,
Andy has a tendency to exaggerate when telling a story. Most of the time, you can tell when he is lying. It’s usually when his mouth is moving.
- - - -
Dear Melissa,
Andy is not allergic to bees. I am sure at some point in the future you will get a call from him in the middle of the night stating that he has been hospitalized from a bee sting. This is simply not true and is most likely a ploy for your sympathy
.- - - -
Dear Melissa,
With the holiday season approaching us I thought it best to tell you that Andy did not celebrate Christmas much as a child, he will not know who Santa is. His father and I do not believe in spending any quality time as family. We believe in structure, silence, and education.
- - - - -
Dear Melissa,
I understand that you and my son have had quite a few disagreements. Oh Dear. Please remember that Andy is not accustomed to women having an opinion or speaking out of turn. You must be seen and not heard my child.

3 comments:

Brenda said...

LMFAO!! Love it.

Laura said...

ROFLMAO! I love it, too! :)

Laura said...

Love our pics over on the right side, btw! :)

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