Thursday, February 4, 2010

Entering The Witness Protection Program

I certainly do not remember sitting down one evening with a glass of wine and writing out my new life plan. However it has become apparent over the past month or so that I may have entered the witness protection program with out my knowledge. I woke up the other day and realized that I had made more than just a few changes in my life without so much as blinking an eye.

I rolled over in bed that particular morning and noticed that the sun was pouring in my bedroom window. It took me a second to remember that I had pulled my curtains back a week or so before to “let some light in”. If you have spent any time in any of my apartments over the past few years you would know that I prefer to live in a cave. Sun light has always been my nemesis and I pride myself on walking into my apartment in the middle of the day and having to adjust my eyes to the utter darkness.

A few minutes later I drug my tired ass into the bathroom to turn on the shower. I glanced over at the mirror and almost didn’t recognize the brunette with sleep in her eye that was staring back at me. Flash back to New Years Eve when I got the brilliant idea to dye my hair and remove any trace of the blonde locks that I had sported for the past 28 years.

Later that morning after going to battle with some random A hole and then mastering the art of looking busy, I snuck outside to enjoy a few moments of quiet and a cigarette. I grabbed my pack of parliament lights and headed for the door. I almost didn’t recognize the box of lung cancer in my hand. I had smoked the ever popular Marlboro Lights since I was 16… When exactly did I switch brands? And more importantly.. Why?

Cut to an hour or so later and I am sitting in the break room eating lunch two complete clown shows. The two of them have their taco bell spread out from one end of the table to the other. It somewhat resembled the last supper and I was half expecting someone to ask me to drink their blood. I proceeded to open my neatly packed tupperware and dive into the fresh fruit I had cut and prepared for myself the night before. Just as I was going to open my bottle of water the clown show asked me if I wanted to split a coke with her. I reminded her that in addition to recently becoming a vegetarian I also was no longer drinking sodas. This was the moment that I realized we were not in Kansas anymore.

I never make new years resolutions because I never stick to them. I find them pointless in this respect. Looking back, it’s almost like I was trying to trick myself into making a few improvements by not putting too much focus on them. Thus it seemed like a lot less work. I am not sure this says much for my intelligence level though…. I mean how dumb do you have to be to be able to sneak attack yourself?

The moral of the story is I stopped eating meat 35 days ago. I stopped drinking cokes almost four weeks ago. I finally broke down and bought a scale three weeks ago. I went from drinking crown and coke 2-3 nights a week to vodka and water only one night a week. As of this morning I am eight pounds lighter and the future is looking so bright that I may have to wear shades.


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